Gosh, life is confusing. Day 9,2017. 


I didn’t blog over the weekend – one day was because I forgot, another was an active choice, to spend my time enjoying the day rather than writing about it. 

This weekend I went home with my boyfriend to his parents – which was really lovely. They have a beautiful home, in a lovely place, and it’s always like a mini holiday being there. But once again I fought with my boyfriend, which is wearing me, and him, down. I love him very much, and I know he loves me, but we are just going through a clashing phase – and it’s no fun at all. We decided to put moving in together on hold – which I guess is sensible but I’m a little heartbroken over it. I hope that we can get back on track quickly, and move forward with it 🙂 
So today I found out I got through one stage of job application, although decided not to continue as don’t think the job was right for me- but it’s still reassuring. I also did some more applications, but nothing that exciting. I wish that I knew what my future held, because it’s all so unsure and scary right now.

Sometimes I really feel like I’m driven and have something to offer, and others, I can’t understand why people put up with ms. I’m negative, make mistakes, and generally am feeling like a A failure. So, so. Not sure where I was going with that train of thought, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels it. I just want cuddles and support and then feel bad for wanting it and being such a draining burden on everyone. Golly. 

Guess the only plan is chin up andfingers  crossed tomorrow goes better. 
Be happy

H X

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Interviews done, motivation up. Day 3, 2017


I almost feel like I am writing a ships blog, with the whole “day 3 into the unknown, 2017 thus far…” feel in the title. But I hope that writing the days will help me to keep on track with my “post a day” plan.

I was hoping to upload some photos into this post, to make it a bit less boring – that is something ELSE I need to improve on. Post more, write succinctly, add imagery – ie redo my entire blog writing style, after all, who wants to read these rambles at the best of times, may as well make them pretty!

So, the big dilemma of today is JOBS (can refer to yesterdays post if you wanted to see an original mini-rant on the topic, but feel free to just join in with this one today :P). I am at a crossroads in my career – or maybe the starting block, or a starting block with multiple lanes to run down? Not quite sure which is the correct metaphor, but in essence I have to get a job and start my career and I have no idea which way to turn, or how to do it. Which is stressful. Anyway, today I had a great interview with a “sales and recruitment” recruiter- who focus on getting graduates into these kind of jobs, and YIPPEE they liked me, and have agreed to help me, and I am infact sat by my phone now waiting for them to call to discuss opportunities starting ASAP. Which is great, and exciting, and gives me the potential to earn money, move out, get on with my life. All yay…..

…But. And its quite a bit but (cheeky, not in that way 😉 ) It will mean kind of giving up on the museum thing. I  mean, it wont. I will still keep an eye out for museum stuff, and hope that the new experience and job skills may help in the future. But, I kinda feel like I am failing by not carrying on with the museum stuff alone. By not being strong enough to just say “nope this is what I want, and this is what I am going to do”. But I have done that, for about 3 and a half months now. And that’s a long time to fail, and to have no job and no money. And so I think I might do it. Might take this other job, to give myself experience, and money and move forward. And hope that one day I can get back to the museum stuff. But what if I cant? Am I letting myself down? My family down?  Will people judge me? is this a mistake? Will I hate it? Who even knows. Argh. Its a big weight on my mind, and I am not good at decisions at the best of times!

 

Anyway, crossroads/ wonky starting block/ confused little life path. All must be overcome. At least I remembered to blog, I supposed.

H x

Masters Mayhem


So, I am officially useless at blogging. I used to be really good at keeping you up-to-date, but now my crohns is in remission (touch wood!) it seems there is a lot less worth writing about. Sorry!

So, my 23rd birthday is in 10 days (gulp, I feel so old writing that) – and I am not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I feel way too old to still be at university, to be living at home, to not have a job…but still too young to spend all day every day in an office churning out some inevitably boring nonsense which I couldn’t care less about. So my current dilemma is balancing money, friends, family, work, boyfriend, masters dissertation and the job hunt – all to try and figure out where I want to be, and how I want to get there. Its a tricky one indeed.

My masters is due 6 weeks today, which makes me feel more than a little queasy, and i have currently lost 100% of my motivation and ability to work. I spend my days procrastinating and then feeling horribly guilty about my lack of work – not a productive or healthy way to be spending my time. I am hoping to just push through, crack on and force myself to work; because getting a good grade in this dissertation is hugely important to my overall masters, and it seems wasteful to just be giving up at the end.

On the job front. hmm. So I still want to work within museums and heritage, but it seems so bloody difficult. If I keep trying, theres a chance I will get lucky, find a break, a way in; but realistically it is looking less and less plausible. Only the odd volunteer role comes my way, which isnt going to be enough to pay my bills and let me live the life I want. But then, I am too young (I think) to just be doing a job I hate, for the sake of money. So; the dilemma. How long to keep waiting, to keep hoping, before just going for something else? And before everyone rushes in with “dont give up on your dreams, it will be worth it in the end blah b lah” – try living on pretty much no money, with all your friends moving out and upwards, and being stuck in the same cycle you were in aged 15. Theres a limit to how long you can wait, trust me.

 

The crohns front, my old friend, seems to be happy resting its ugly head for now, thank god. I am struggling a bit with being overly tired at the moment, but I guess the general stress factor can be thanked for that, although I do have a tendency to blame everything bad on crohns – its caused enough trouble :p

Anyway, apologies for the long ramble full of nothing-ness, will try to keep you all more up to date.

H

x

Cheeky Little Update…


So I have nothing that special to say (probably NOT the best way to start  a post, but hey ho! Honesty is the best policy and all that 😉 )  but feel like its been a while, so thought I would just check in and fill y’all in with the nothingness that is going on at the moment 😉

 

I have had a LOOOOVELY Christmas and New Years period, not in half because my boyfriend has had some time off and it was nice to be able to see him for more than just a weekend, although unfortunately not that much longer 😦

I went to Winter Wonderland twice – once with the family which was super sweet, and once with my boyfriend which was lovely too 🙂 Also we went to see the new star wars in the Electric Theatre at Notting Hill – which I CAN’T RECOMMEND ENOUGH. So much fun! We actually got the tickets from our friends who couldn’t go, and they had very exciting-ly bought some of the seats at the back, a nice comfy sofa with tables, blankets and the like – and we enjoyed the film in 3D with the company of a HUGE chocolate brownie and some drinks, so nice! I have seen a lot of family and friends over the last few days, one of my best friends is visiting from Australia, so that’s exciting and been nice seeing him when I can; although Masters work is really starting to get in the way! (how annoying!)

I am genuinely feeling the “job stress”,  I would LOVE to work in a museum environment, or a heritage environment like English Heritage; and specifically in the education department, but right now that just seems impossible, which is pretty depressing. And the only jobs that exist are on what appear to be the tiniest every salary- not enough for me to move out and do the things I want to be doing, so that’s quite tough. I am trying to apply for them still, and also start for some grad schemes – it stresses me out that after the end of this masters in just a few short months now I have nothing to go onto, and that terrifies me. I feel like I am being left behind. I also broached the idea of moving in together with my boyfriend, which didn’t go down that well. Not gonna lie, that hurt pretty bad -rejection isn’t something that’s fun to feel; and although I get his reasoning, doesn’t make it much easier! And the fact I have 0 job and 0 money to look forward to means I feel even further away from him, and the life he is moving towards. Not that he has done anything to exclude me from it, its just so far from where I am / could be, and that scares me! BLEUGH – no point in moaning, I guess it will happen or it wont!

Crohns has been fine -back on the humira injections and Azathiaprine. One thing that has been a pain is I got a cut by my ear, like where the ear lobe joins your head (if that makes sense?!) and I must have had it for over a month now and it just WILL NOT heal. I guess due to my new potato-like immune system, but its so sore and just getting worse, which is pretty annoying!

 

Hmm ,for a post where I had nothing to say I managed to moan / ramble  quite a lot!

Hope you are all well and enjoying your New years,

H x

A little update from a very tired someone


Ciao amigos,

 

I went down to Southampton for another check up with my specialist- involved waking up at 6.15, driving for 2 hours and then a 15 minute chat before another repeat; in total I was out the house nearly 5 hours and its completely wiped me out for the rest of the day!

He in essence said:

– CArry on with both Humira and Aza because although I probably only need one, because signs came back so quickly both is advisable

-Stay on them both until at least the end of my masters, to try and stop any disruptions affecting my work

-If the tiredness gets worse it may be due to things like “the part of me that got removed is meant to soak up and re-cycle bile but because its AWOL there may be excess bile which could lead to some of my discomfort and the grumbling noises” so this could be treated

– Get blood tests every 3 months for check up and monitoring

-Going to transfer doctors to one right by my uni so wait to hear from them (Unlikely that’s going to happen any time soon, lets be honest!) which is exciting but im worried to leave him behind, he is the best doctor I have ever had!

-Go see the dentist with regards to my teeth / gums which keep bleeding 😦

 

 

Anyway, I am not zoned in enough to type anything else. I am feeling a little sorry for myself, tired and a bit fed up (whats new?!) so I will stop now rather than fill this post with moaning!

 

be Happy

H x

 

What if I am just writing in circles?


What if I run out of things to say? I am worried my thoughts are all the same, mundane worries and fears, stupid self conscious and self deprivating thoughts as well as general despair about my future! Alongside obviously the ridiculous laughing fits, the happy photos, the loving cuddles – but these are things that maybe don’t come across so well in this blog. I am worried  about posting too much of the same, of being mundane, of being boring. I was so sure at the start of this that crohns would take over my life, and I would constantly have these horror stories to post and this would be my only place to vent truly – and sometimes it is – but crohns hasn’t changed me in the way I thought it would.

it has changed me, lets not beat around the bush here, it has. And I don’t like all those changes, and some days I hate them and resent them. But other days I accept them, and even am kind of proud of them. I hate the fact that I still cannot cope with my injections, that last night my boyfriend was out signing a new flat which he can  in with his friends, being sociable, being an adult, doing what I want to do – and where was I? Crying in bed having just done another humira injection, and trying not to be sick with the headache and shakes that it bought on. How is that fair?? I hate that it makes me feel so different sometimes. I hate that it made me bitter and kind of jealous of my boyfriend, in stead of being happy and celebrating for him, I hate that I only see the negatives sometimes, the fact that our lives will get more different and all I see is the negatives in my situation- I hate that it makes me feel those things – but maybe they were already n me, and this is just my way of rationalising it? But then, I am proud of myself for being a normal (ish!) person – for having to inject myself but not letting that stop me, not letting this disease control what I do. Infact just yesterday I got a letter saying that my most recent biopsies form the colonscopy came back clear WAHOOO. Helps to lighten the grump I was in about having to go get a flu jab this afternoon..i still hate needles!

I find that weird actually (side note) that doing my injections is getting harder. I thought I would be used to it, get less psyched out, be more able and ready to cope. And I am not, I am worse. I psych myself out more, I know the pain doesn’t get bearable, I know that pushing that button is going to inflict pain and in that moment the fact it is helping me be better doesn’t even reach my consciousness, no matter how man ytimes my mum says it! All I know is that when I push that button it is going to hurt, and I will hate it. Sometimes I do my count down and swear I move my thumb but it just refuses on its own! But that a whole other blog post 😉

Anyway, I am not really sure what the whole aim of this was, it was pretty rambling and more than a little confused, and I am sorry! It is an honest insight into the mses which is my head right now – enjoy 😉 I hope to keep posting regurlarly, and that means not making something more dramatic or ridiculous than it is, if my life is pretty quiet then so will my posts!

Hope you are all happy,

H x

Let’s smash this 👌🏼


okay so sometime you gotta fake it till you make it. I may not be sure of myself and of my future, but If I’m not positive about it, then it definitely won’t happen! 

I am gonna ACE the last few weeks at my job, making some extra money and helping them out.

I may be the heaviest I have been, but I am going to LOVE the way I look because it is a result of everything I have been through and I am going to PERSEVERE (had to google how to spell that!) with trying to lose weight, one day it WILL happen

I am going to ENJOY my new masters and make new friends and continue to be a happy, friendly person

I will NERD UP , study hard and SUCCEED at my masters. It is something I love and something o know I can do well at.

I will get ORGANISED and make sure I get on with my volunteering, being a HELPER-FAIRY- ARCHAEOLOGY-MUSEUM-WOMAN getting involved in as many projects as I can to boost my CV, my confidence and experience, and who knows, someone may even pay me for it!

I will CALM DOWN about my finances, obviously money is a concern but I can get through this and I have committed so I may as well push for the best outcome

I can be happy for the change in others lives and their ACHIEVEMENTS without feeling like I pale in comparison. Everyone is different else life would be boring. 

I will SQUASH my crohns insecurities and take on anything it throws at me. Again. Hah. 
I can do all this, and more. I need to focus on the amazing potential this year has and not all the scary parts. It is hard to keep on track and everything but I need to keep trying. Let’s do this. 

H x