Work work go away, come again another day


Hello all!
sorry for not blogging for so long, been thrown back into the university lifestyle with a bang – 4 essays, 2 group presentation and resource packages, an assemblage analysis, an exam and an online test are all coming my way within the next 10 days; madness!

I am loving being back and the freedom, although this supposed “freedom” involves pretty much all day everyday in the library- its beginning to feel like my second home!

Anyway, enough about my now-boring life! I found this website the other day: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/categories/crohns
it is an uptodate area where all the latest crohns- related news is posted. At first I thought I would be super organised, and ontop of it all and try to read up; but quite truthfully I don’t have the time. I have read one or two, and they are weirdly boring and yet excitingly inspiring all at the same time; so if you have some free time check it out 🙂
Also, when I was having some of my darker days I joined forums and groups : like Crohology and going on sites like “Me and IBD” even though I was never a very active presence, it was comforting – so my top tip of the day is to have a go if your feeling bad, stop yourself feeling isolated and make connections with people, even those you have never met before, it helps!

I hope that nobody is suffering too bad from post-Easter food madness pains – and that you are all enjoying this stint of nice weather we are having!

Happy thoughts 🙂
H x

Genuinely not a muffin top..


Genuinely not a muffin top..

I would just like to point out before this post goes any further that this picture (which looks more and more gross the longer I look at it) isn’t just a fat roll on my stomach poking over my jeans…

the point of this post was to show the weird “V” shaped-ness that my stomach has decided to take on, the scar skin I guess is still a bit tighter? I Don’t really understand. But whenever I try to show people they dismiss it as a no big deal, but I don’t feel like anyone can see it properly aside from through my, birds eye view. Hence this photo, I had to sit down to get my jeans in the background so it would show up – but there is a definite indent where the scar is…im hoping its going to go? You cant really tell when im upright or walking around, but I keep noticing it when I am sat down, and its just weird… anyone else had anything similar?!

I Was flicking through the pictures on my phone the other day, and I have a suprising number of my scar and stomach – definitely not a usual photo album! I was looking and I was proud of them, and of myself for putting them on this blog. I wear anything from a size 8 to 10 to 12 depending on the shop or clothing, I know I am not fat but I am not skinny either. I am not well toned or skinny even though I try to go to the gym. And I am guilty of skipping the gym for a takeaway curry with my friends- I am a normal person. I have my insecutirites putting pictures (like this) of my stomach up, for me it definitely isn’t the kind of “body shots” you see a lot of girls posting these days, but I think its a real and honest view, if nothing else.

Anyway, scar is healing well – last bit of surgery sting / stitch that was sticking up came off yesterday, very exciting!

Hope you are all having a good week, and please keep on liking / following the blog! So close to having 50 followers, which would be totally unbelievable!

Keep smiling,

H x

How do you know when you are better?


How do you know when you are better?

Does anyone actually know the answer to that question? Because if you do I sure as hell would like to hear it!

The picture attached is of my scar yesterday – in 4 days it will be 3 months since my operation; and in my humble opinion I think it is healing quite nicely, and I am certainly feeling a lot like myself than I used to! In fairness this picture may be doing the scar almost too much justice – I think flash was on; in reality the scar is a more prominent colour – a dark red / pink line snaking down from my tummy button, but its narrowing and healing well 🙂 I am eating fine, excercising, cycling and being able to do what I want with my friends- so I would definitely call that a positive outcome.

But sometimes there is that niggling fear – that worry that it is back already. Sometimes my stomach still grumbles really loudly, not as bad as before, but for definite there. It is when I am lying trying to sleep at night the worry really hits me, is it back? Am I ill? How do I know when things are getting bad again? And then the irrational anger that hits at about 3am…well that’s it. I am ill. Crohns is back. I didn’t even get three months, THREE MONTHS is that all I am allowed to be healthy for?! Can I do it again? Can I get through that operation and the pain and the waiting and the diagnosing all over again? No. I give up that’s it…… and so on. And I wake up every morning feeling fine again and laughing in my head about my overreaction. but it is there – that subconscious fear that its coming back, that I am still not quite back to normal…will I ever be free of that gnawing concern? Maybe not, but I would sure as hell prefer to learn to live with that than the crippling cramps I was having before 🙂

I am taking the medication and all is going well, I thought I would see if any others of you suffer from the paranoia I get, but maybe not…let me know 🙂 Otherwise my only other concern is trying to work out what vitamin tablets and the like to take – and I know its bad but right now I just cant be bothered, I am too busy actually living my life to sit around and plan for tablets anymore. I know I know, its asking for trouble – but they aren’t as important as my actual medication which I take without fail, and the blood tests I am still on top of.

Sorry for the random nature of this post, I didn’t mean for it to have such a bad flow and be dotting here and there – I guess you can now see how my brain truly works, a real peak into my head! As of this minute I am sat at my uni desk having stuffed myself on a roast lunch we cooked, with the sun on my desk, a smile on my face and typing this before I head to an ice cream parlour with my bestie. Bliss.

Be Happy,

H x

Life Lines


Life Lines

Made this today, used a random selection of my blog posts from the last few weeks and copied all the text into one long section and put it into tagxedo to make this.

Feeling
Operation
Scar
Thoughts
Time

When you write sometimes you don’t realise some of the more subtle things you type, some of the words you repeatedly use to show an emotion – making this made me smile and reflect. This handprint shows a crazy part of my life, and reminds me of everything I have been through; hopefully I will be moving onwards and upwards and this print will just be a handprint in my history, not a continuing theme!

Let me know what you guys think of it!

H x

Being comfortable in your own skin…


Being comfortable in your own skin...

…is a lot easier when your snuggled up in a onesie 😉 (check me ouuuttt! how cute do the little ears look?! Its my favourite one of about 5 😉 )

But it has a lot more to do with just accepting who you are, and what your doing. I love what I do, and my family and friends and everything that I have built up around me – but sometimes its hard to love my body when it keeps breaking, or letting me down. But that is now just a part of me, and one that I have to just get on with, although its obviously much easier to type that than to do.

My scar is looking so much better, and (as is obvious) has literally no impact on my life – how would a scar on my stomach make a difference in my lectures or my gym classes or chatting to my friends?! of course it doesn’t, of course; but thinking back to lying on that hospital bed I remember thinking nothing would be the same, dramatic? yes? morphine induced? probably. but still – the thought was there.

yesterday I was finishing unpacking all the stuff from home and I had accidently bought the bag with me from hospital, it had all my get well cards in and some Christmas decoratinos that my adorable Mum had bought in to cheer the room up – and it made me sad, and nostalgic (is that the right word here? I don’t know…) in a way I miss that time, but I don’t really understand why. I think the hospital room became my own weird little isolated world and cocoon, and although I have NO desire to return, I miss it in a weird way? now this red string of hearts is hanging off my pinboard at uni, and it use to hang under the TV at hospital – I held up a picture of it in hospital next to it in my room, its weird, but its a little link. a memory? a part of me 🙂

The literal most randomest warbliest post I have written in a while, apologies. Back to feeling happy with what your doing – you have made set decisions in life, accept them and live with them, and if they make you unhappy make new decisions that change your situation.
I am back at uni and loving this term so far, my lectures are really interesting (except the core one which so far isn’t so great) today my lecture was actually a third year module (yes, I’m keen 😉 ) and was all about computing in archaeology -really interesting stuff 🙂 very excited for the things to come and the opportunities to try things out and hopefully get some better and clearer ideas regarding my dissertation.

Hope you have all had a lovely January!

H x

Now I know my ABC’s…


Now I know my ABC's...

So, along my lines of being more positive, this is the next happy post!

I have always LOVED taking pictures, and so today (having got very bored of sitting around doing nothing at home still in recovery from my operation) I decided to get on with doing something productive and a little more fun! I decided to start on my first photography project, and my brother joined in for some of the shots too. Then I uploaded them and edited a few version, one the original, one all black and white and one in coloured filters – the one I attached to this post. What do you all think?

I had had a falling out with my brother earlier – he had refused to drive me to the doctors to sign up for a repeat prescription when I still cant walk that far on my own; and it all descended badly. It was so frustrating, I hate the fact that I am not back to being independent. Then I ended up arguing with my mum about her having to get off work to come take me…the texting ended up something like this:

” I don’t want you to take me. forget it. I have done NOTHING wrong. It is not my fault that I need this medication. It is not my fault that I needed an operation and still cant drive or walk that far. It is not my fault my brother refuses to take me or help me when I need it. None of that is my fault, but its what I have and I cant help it. You have already helped me 50 million times over and I get that, but this is not. my. fault”

Yeah…so that happened. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but it was so frustrating – I hate the fact that Crohns put me in these situations, and puts others around me out because of it, but I just cant help it.

SO I decided to make a bad day into a good one, and take up the camera! And it worked, I had such a lovely time taking them and really am proud of them 🙂 And Editing them all took most of the afternoon, and it meant that I didn’t get so bored!

LOVE LOVE LOVE

New Years Resolutions?


New Years Resolutions?

I don’t often make any New Years Resolutions…they are the usual “go to the gym” “be healthy” “pass my exams”… and this year it wasn’t until I was reading around on wordpress about all the resolutions everyone else has made that I decided to make some myself…yes I am 3 days late but SHH…lets ignore that 😉

I spent a chilled out New Years Eve with my auntie and almost-uncle (her boyfriend of over 10 years), due to just getting out of hospital I wasn’t up for much but we just ate some dinner, played a board game and watched a film then some of the new years programs – nothing mind blowing but nice, safe, relaxed and easy. Just what I needed! At the time all I was thinking about was wishing that 2014 would bring me better health than 2013, and that the only way was upwards; but I think in retrospect a resolution has to be something that we can influence, something we can do to make a positive difference to our own lives, and my Crohns is actually something I have very little control over. It is all very well wishing and hoping that this year brings me some relief from the disease, and I will do so until I am blue in the face- but realistically there is a limited amount of control I have. So, I need to make some other resolutions that I can keep, and can motivate myself to do. So here they are:

– I aim to continue to be consistent and thorough in beating Crohns in whatever way I can, be it taking all the medicine regurlarly, making all the blood tests, and general organisational skills

– I aim to not let Crohns get me down any more. If I am having a bad day then fine, wallow, get it out my system; but I will not lose sight of all the positives that I have in my life, and I will focus on getting back into my routine and being happy. Crohns will not bring me down!

– I will try to keep this blog up and active, and aim to increase the numbers of followers, readers and commenters – the more the merrier, and not only do I feel like I can spread awareness, but it makes me more positive and gives me a focus.

– I will try to raise money for Crohns disease research, heaven knows we need more awareness, support and money placed into researching the causes and solutions.

– Pass my exams, and my coursework and do not get demotivated, keep working through it! Find a topic for my dissertation!

– maybe most importantly of all? appreciate the friends and family I have around me, and work to keep all those relations as they are, or improve them. Crohns doesn’t define me, it is simply one small part of me – and I do not want to let it take over the rest of me. It can stay in its little box whilst I get on with my life.

Im not sure if they are practical, or if they are what some people would consider “real” resolutions, but for me they are a lot, they are enough, they are good to aim for. This post has turned out a bit… I don’t know what the word is, but a bit..pompous? a bit too “I am going to aim perfection I can achieve anything if I believe” which I know as well as the next person just isn’t true. Sometimes though, on a good day, you need to aim high and far, in an attempt to keep your chin above the water, and give yourself some positive aims for the future, and that’s just what I have done 🙂

Hope you guys all had a lovely New Years, and are looking forward to a positive 2014!

H x