Sorry for the spam posting.
Just had lunch and within two minutes have quite bad chest pains breathing in and feel over whelmingly nauseous and tired; the kind of sickness feeling that actually hurts. I can’t take a deep breath in without pain.
I try not to swear in here but what the actual f**k. I just got the all clear, why am I still hurting, why can’t I still cope.
Lying in bed in the dark feeling like I may throw up st any minute and trying not to cry too much because it hurts ny chest. But seriously, why am I so broken. I hate not being able to do anything right and it’s beginning to feel like forever ago when I was last ablr to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without the consequences hitting me hard. How is it fair that my body is so shit at working, how is it that it doesn’t do what I want, what did I do to break it this bad? So damn fed up with it all and the fact that nobody seems to understand.
Rant over, sorry
I highly doubt that it is only me that feels this way, in fact I have heard others express these feelings before – but maybe it does everybody good to know that others get stuck in this rut too? The one where you feel like you FINALLY have got things starting to move forward before one day, or one person, one word or one action, one thing or one look throws you back to square one and you just want to cry. I don’t understand how life can be this complicated! It is one thing to try to keep your chin up, to be positive, to wait for a better tomorrow – but sometimes it seems like I am stuck at not just a crossroads but a spiders web of paths none of which seem right but all of which seem just that little bit appealing. I don’t know which to take, which will make me and others happiest and lead to an end with the least regrets and the most giggles. How do you know? And how, when you start walking down one do you stop yourself from panicking and backtracking? Because that is what I keep doing, trying and trying and getting too scared and coming back to this madness point and I don’t understand how to choose. I have always been indecisive, but a new level of confusion is something else.
Depressing posts these last few times – not fun, eh! Apologies. Crohnies is alright at the moment, haven’t taken my tablets yet today since it is all still packed up from the move home after university, but going to have to dig them out tonight! I am still so scared for Friday the 13th (see the last post!) so we can see how that turns out. I think I just feel like I am juggling too many flaming knives, and that each time I have a near miss I come a little bit closer to being burned even worse. HOW DRAMATIC AM I. Apologies for the doom and gloom, I shall give myself a slap on the hand for wallowing, grab a bar of choc and head to the sun for some Vitamin D and to get over myself and move on. Or try to.
Enjoy the picture below – makes me smile!
(Here’s Hoping. H x)