Fom sad to happy all in one call


CHEESE ALERT RIGHT HERE

I am way too quick to blog when I am sad, but this has to be the biggest shoutout to my favourite person, my boyfriend is incredible. I know like  90% of people will have just stopped reading, and to those of you powering on – thank you. (Side note: does it count as a shoutout when you are anonymous, you don’t mention any names and you have no intention of telling said person you wrote about them? Perhaps not…but you all get the gist 😉 )

 

Today is sunday, and I had a fab time with my family yesterday but was feeling the guilt for not working. So the plan was to get up and go to Santas grotto with the kids (my half brother and sister aged 8 and 4) then go for lunch together before coming home for the afternoon and I had planned to work. It is now 1pm and my stepmum earlier decided to go out shopping with my sister, and they have just not come back. It now means we aren’t going out for lunch because we have no time, I wont be able to see the kids meet santa because I have to work this afternoon, I feel like I wasted my morning and my work is going sh*t so I was having a bit of a feel sorry for myself. I had a little text-y moan to my boyfriend, sulked up back to my laptop and proceeded to eat a large handful of chocolate maltester things (which although delicious I now feel guilty for, considering I am more representing a whole pod of whales than a single human being at the moment. FML)

Anyway, we all have those times, but I think I let them get to  me more. I over think things, I feel sad, I feel tired, I let it all get on top of me. I  forget to think about the good and how lucky I am, and instead feel sad for no reason and then spiral – many a good day have I ruined in such a way. Anyway, I sent my boyfriend a snapchat of me eating the maltester things- since he had bought them for me last week or so; and he called me. He called me just to say he loved me. Just to say keep going with the work, just to say he missed me. And I of course promptly burst into tears – great work me. I honestly don’t deserve him. We are having a weekend away to have some space, so I can work and see family and so he can relax with his too – and its weird and I am not sure I like it, but at the same time I am enjoying it – but what I mean is, I am not his problem this weekend, he has no obligation (aside from being my boyfriend haha) to be looking after me, and yet he still is. He is fantastic and lovely and kind and sweet and I don’t know what I would do without him.

I realise this is one of the worst-written most cliché posts I have done (or if there are others worse than this, apologies!) but I had to type it, I had to say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I feel happy, pushed back up, lucky and determined. I think having so many shit days with my illness, I am used to just crying to myself, putting on a smile and faking being okay for so long; and now I have someone that I don’t have to fake it with, and who doesn’t care that I screw up probably more than I get it right, and that, THAT is something incredible.

 

On a side note – its 2 years today since I ended up in an ambulance and en route to A and E for 12 hours, how time has changed. Feeling so grateful that I have come so far from there, and so hopeful things never go back. Also a memory of my best friend from uni, who took perfect care of me, called the emergency services, helped me get dressed, held my hand, stayed with me, everything. I really am lucky. Friday 13th of 2013 was a bad day for me indeed, but Sunday 13th of 2015 is a day of reflection and of trying to be more grateful for everything I have.

H x

Guess who’s back?! 


Sorry for the break since my last post (or maybe you all are welcoming the peace and quiet?!) but I am back and back with a vengeance 😉 I have just been so busy recently and everytime I have thought about posting I chicken out, it’s tiring to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the world sometimes! 

Anyway, where am I now? Sat in the cafe opposite UCL Archaeology Building waiting to go for my next lecture,  because yes I AM A MASTERS STUDENT awahhooooo. Very exciting but also tiring and slightly stressful! I am enjoying it but it is all a lot f pressure and quite scary!

Things with my boyfriend are…good. We had a bit of a rough patch which is hard and scary, but we are also (I think) having some of the best times together. I found out yesterday he has read part of this blog (hey if one day you read this!) and it felt pretty damn weird. I ha said I wouldn’t mind but since I didn’t know he was it felt a bit like snooping I guess. I asked what he thought, although I was dreading the answer. I was worried he would think “moany” “grumpy” “pathetic” “weird” and the like; and all he was actually saying was that I should never stop. Never change what I write, to keep being honest and truthful and leaking anything I need to to make myself feel better. All he was worried about what that I found out he read this and that it would change what or how I wrote. And maybe it will. And I am sad about that. But I am also pleased and feel even closer to him. I am proud I am dating someone who is so kind that that is all he worries about, not the manic moaning and weird whining that he read. So, if you ever read this- thank you. X

Have had such a lovely weekend, although q few ups and downs, and am already counting down the days until the next one- y life seems spent waiting for something else to happen, which isn’t how I want it to be! 

I am scared about the future and how much everything is going to be changing for me. And how o hope that I can hold on to some things that I have now, and it will slip away. I hope it doesn’t. I am so so happy, and those times when i feel sad I can cope. And that feels good.
Wish me luck with yet another humira injection tonight. Sob.

H x