Why the insecurities and the inability to cope?


Hey all,

It has been forever since I have posted, and for that I am sorry. I have got a little caught up in, well, life. So I will break this update down into a few sections, to try and make it less mind-numbingly boring to read.

 

Part 1 – The Title

So, I am just struggling with life a little at the moment. I have completed my masters, and am therefore awkwardly floating about in the realms of unemployment, volunteering and bankruptcy (perhaps a tad of an exaggeration, but my savings have definitely taken a toll!). It is hard to be positive when nothing appears right, and although on some days I feel confident and excited, others, like today, involve sitting alone in bed, undressed and unmoving until 1 in the afternoon. And nobody knows. and nobody cares. and it impacts nobody. and I am achieveing nothing. And it is all too depressing. I feel as though I may have an aim and a goal, but I am treading water unable to achieve them – and meanwhile being wasteful and unsuccessful and a general nonsense. Which, by the way, is not fun.

Part 2 – The title, again.

So the other part of the title to this blog was about the insecurities. Needless to say I am a very insecure person, and I think perhaps I do not value my own self worth. I am kind, and clever, strong and faithful, and, I like to think, bring support and laughter to those around me. But, it just doesnt seem enough sometimes. My relationship with my boyfriend is being negatively impacted because of it, because of a mixture of things but all of them are too much together. It is the hardest thing in the world to know your mentality is causing issues, but being utterly unable to change it, because it is you. My paranoia and my worrying is as much a part of my personality as my eye colour – and yet I need it to change, but I can’t change it, and that is frustrating and scary and worrying all at once.

 

The Job hunt

As metioned above, I finally finished my masters (yay) but am yet to get a job (boo). Which is an awkward phase. Am desperate to work within the museum sector, I think it is my calling! Unfortunately my calling is very much on the “please hold” tone – there is pretty much no availablility, and when there is a job I apply for, I am inevitably turned away. Not fun. I have given myself until christmas to try and work really hard on applications, at volunteering, and at building my CV and doing some part time work for money – but so far it is proving more than a little depressing, especially when everyone else in my life appears to be so successful.

 

The Crohns

This perhaps shouldnt have come last, but it isnt the most exciting topic to blog about – especially when it is being stressful! Okay, perhaps I should’t say stressful, given the issues it has caused in the past, but managing the hospital appointments is just not easy! I have one near the start of Novemeber, but due to the hospital messing up the forms I have been unable to go and get check up blood-tests, which I want, since I am feeling uber fatigued even having done nothing all day, which is clearly not normal. I also have been feeling a few familiar crohns signs again, and want to be on top of it; so the inability to get it tested as regurlarly as I should due to the hospital having incorrect paperwork – is REALLY annoying.

 

Sorry for the random nature of this post, I will try to be more ontop of posting again, and be more regular!

H x

Very close to a tantrum


so. 

I have to quit my job tomorrow. And I know o show focus on the exciting masters that is in my future. And I know I should focus on all the opportunities . But all I can think about is how am I meant to have that awkward conversation? How am I meant to tell them then work my notice? Gulp. Help! 

My colonoscopy just got moved from Tuesday to the week after. I organised lifts, time off work, sorted the diet things. I want to cry. I don’t feel great (I don’t feel bad. I just don’t feel 100%) and I hate the procedure but had psyched myself up for it and planned my weekend accordingly and now it was for nothing! I want it to be done, I want to know the results, I want it to be over. 

I think the stress is contributing to me feeling ill? Or not great. I don’t want to use the word ill or say I’m feeling bad when I’m not really I guess. I’m just not good.

I have my next humira in Sunday and ta already making me feel a bit sick to just think of it. God I hate those things. I hate how childlike and fearful they make me. How j can’t control it!
It’s not fair. I feel scared and a little lonely taking this leap of faith. I wish I had just one thing that was a bit more secure in my life. (Sorry for the dramatic over indulgences of a spoilt child – of course I am lucky in so many ways but sometimes it is hard to see. Which makes me even angrier sometimes – why oh why do I find r so much harder than everyone else to focus on the good?!) 
I am shattered. As per. I spend my life being tired and worrying. I can’t even enjoy weekends because I’m ferrying round between home and my boyfriends and friends, not getting enough time to see any of them properly. 

Please let this period of indecision and change be over soon.

H x