Okay, So I know this is my SECOND blog of the day, and each of these are probably as boring as the last. And the poor fools of you who are following me and getting spammed by these emails are probably hoping against hope that I lose internet connection and am unable to carry on with these nonsense fllled posts- and get ready to celebrate the fact I go on holiday in a day or so and you will get a weeks freedom! However, I think I am addicted to blogging. You know when you get that feeling, any feeling ready and you want to moan and rant or laugh or cry or share your revelation; well now I turn to here when I get that.
Right now, I may be home and enjoying the freedom and the knowledge that I don’t have to attend work again for a while, but I am also concerned about the uncomfortable and weird feelings going on in my stomach. I am up to date on my tablets (naughty me for missing a few previously), and the injections (apart from my mishap this weekend) so why does it feel weird? why? thats UNFAIR. I have a colonscopy in a month, but it doesn’t seem soon enough to put my mind at risk.
I can’t cope with being ill. I am already back to feeling the cramps and having to run to the bathroom. To feeling sick for no real reason, to being paranoid about what I eat – as well as all the normal twenty year old fears such as being fat (which in my case is becoming worryingly real!) I don’t want to be ill again, and it scares me. And I can’t say this to other people, because how can I say the same fears every other day when they have no answers to give me, and I know that. How can I keep telling them the same thing, when they have no real reassurances to give? I have to blog here because I can’t keep it in or I would go crazy. I can’t pretend I don’t think about it at least an hour of every day of my life, and I can’t pretend that the future doesn’t scare me. But for now, al lI have is this…this outlet of my fear. I hope it shows other people, maybe just one other person; that being scared is okay. And being paranoid is justified when you have been through what we go through.
Is is the stress of my life at the moment that is going on? Is it the worry about going away, or the stress of work and the big decisions i have to make? Is it the nervousness of going to my grandad’s stone setting funeral? I miss him, and I am scared of missing him even more, or having to acknowledge the gap that his passing has left in my life. As well as many others.
Anyway, whatever it is, I hope that it goes. I hope that my stomach puts up with what is coming its way; I hope that it is nothing and just a bit of tummy ache. Please. And thanks!
If I don’t post in the next few days, then then be happy that I am on holiday and going problem free!
Enjoy the good weather
I would just like to point out before this post goes any further that this picture (which looks more and more gross the longer I look at it) isn’t just a fat roll on my stomach poking over my jeans…
the point of this post was to show the weird “V” shaped-ness that my stomach has decided to take on, the scar skin I guess is still a bit tighter? I Don’t really understand. But whenever I try to show people they dismiss it as a no big deal, but I don’t feel like anyone can see it properly aside from through my, birds eye view. Hence this photo, I had to sit down to get my jeans in the background so it would show up – but there is a definite indent where the scar is…im hoping its going to go? You cant really tell when im upright or walking around, but I keep noticing it when I am sat down, and its just weird… anyone else had anything similar?!
I Was flicking through the pictures on my phone the other day, and I have a suprising number of my scar and stomach – definitely not a usual photo album! I was looking and I was proud of them, and of myself for putting them on this blog. I wear anything from a size 8 to 10 to 12 depending on the shop or clothing, I know I am not fat but I am not skinny either. I am not well toned or skinny even though I try to go to the gym. And I am guilty of skipping the gym for a takeaway curry with my friends- I am a normal person. I have my insecutirites putting pictures (like this) of my stomach up, for me it definitely isn’t the kind of “body shots” you see a lot of girls posting these days, but I think its a real and honest view, if nothing else.
Anyway, scar is healing well – last bit of surgery sting / stitch that was sticking up came off yesterday, very exciting!
Hope you are all having a good week, and please keep on liking / following the blog! So close to having 50 followers, which would be totally unbelievable!
Sorry its been a while since my last post- my parents very selfishly have their birthdays right after each other in January, which means that I have been mad present shopping, meal eating, birthday doing… if that makes sense!
I am hoping to go back to university tomorrow – and I am kind of scared! I haven’t been there for about 6 weeks now due to Christmas holidays, operation and recovery and it feels a bit weird heading back! Although don’t get me wrong I am really excited! Am hoping to get back on with uni life and stop being the ill one or the weaker one or whatever; and have planned to try lots of new activities whilst I am healthy and happy and try to make the most of what is on offer! I am nervous that I will get there and just be so exhausted I cant anything, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it…
For now I am just hoping everything is okay, I have another blood test booked this week back at uni to help monitor the azathriaprine and check everything is okay. Aside from that my stomach has actually started to feel a bit weird today, and of course I am uber paranoid and on top of it, the operation was only a couple of weeks ago and I DESERVE a longer break than this! I think in fairness it was the over indulgence over the birthday period that may have caused the uncomfortableness I am now feeling, but we shall wait and see. What really stuck me earlier is that before the operation this would have been me on one of my best days, feeling pleased that it was under control and the like – but now it is not my norm, now I can tell that this isn’t okay or healthy, whereas before for me this was definitely good! Now I can tell that its sore, and that it has swollen up again and that something is not right, and that is reassuring to me because it means I hope I will catch anything as soon as it begins to flare again soon.
Its hard, living with the paranoia and instant suspicion as soon as something feels weird in my tummy. Do you guys feel it too? Over the back of your shoulder, even on the very best of days, it can make you nervous…I hope to live a long time without it actually returning and that this is just a one off bad day. I hope. Fingers crossed. It would crush me if it is anything more, It would be just too unfair. Keep an eye on this space to see I guess!
Might be a while before I post again, because of being thrown back into uni! But I hope you are all happy and healthy 🙂