“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience—you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
Alysha Speer

I know I didn’t write this myself, but I think it is relevant. There have been so many of those days when I just burst into tears at my desk; but I manage to paste on a smile for everyone else sake. Right now I need this quote, I need to keep smiling, keep trusting, keep loving. And hope I come out the other side with no more scars, because the scariest thing is doubting yourself and those who are meant to care. I promise to keep frolicking, keep singing and keep trying to trust. Hopefully one day I will get back there.

H xx

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Happiness isn’t always easy. But it’s worth trying for. 


   
T
These make me smile, and that’s what’s important. They force me to remember that when things get bad. I need to try and make them better rather than wallow. So, here is a list for me to look back on of just some of the things that are good in my life, that should make me smile
1. I am healthy (sort of!) I may not be at full health but I am healthy enough to live my daily life, and strong enough to function on my own. 

2. All my friends and family are healthy. Thank god. Worse than being ill yourself is watching those you love suffering. 

3. I have plenty of friends and family. They love me and support me. They pick me up when I am down.

4. I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world. I need to focus on the fact that maybe he isn’t here today, or tomorrow, Ir for the next two weeks. But he will be back, and he will be happier for being away on his amazing holiday.

5. I have a job. An amazing job (I hope) that I can use to help achieve my dreams, to help me move out, to help me earn some of my own money.

6. I have a place to live. A family to live with , and friends to be happy with. 

7. I have plenty of future I can look forward to

I am sure there are many more things, but right now I can’t think of any. That makes me sad, ironically. There are so so many more than 7 things in my life that make me happy. So many. But I can’t think of them right now. Maybe I can add things to that list later. 

I hope you all have a longer list then me. 

H xx

 

Scars, Siblings and Smiling


My scar is looking brilliant, considering it is less than a month old! (see my older post: https://livingmylifewithcrohns.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/the-greatest-healing-therapy-is-friendship-and-love/ for a picture a few days ago) Although, to be fair I have never had an operation before, or even a proper scar, so I actually have very little idea about how it should be healing / looking like 3 and a half weeks in – but regardless I am very proud of my little body soldiering on through and fixing itself…well, it does owe me, its not like it normally works properly!

ANYWAYYY I am back home and am loving catching up on some missed family time, and enjoying the feeling of getting healthier and stronger again. My little siblings (a brother aged 2 and a sister aged 6…also a younger brother aged 18 but he isn’t really involved in this story 😉 ) LOVE looking at my scar, they find it hilarious. Most days when I get back into the house my youngest brother goes “me see your tummy tunnel, tummy tunnel!!!” which also involves squirming around and trying to pull my top up, no matter who else is in the room..awks. He loves it, he thinks its so weird, as soon as I show him he always looks shocked and goes “it very big” and then poddles off! My sister takes it one step further, this was our conversation yesterday:

“I want to see too if he gets to” Me : “Okay, look, its the same as yesterday.”
“Hmm…Its quite scratchy like isn’t it”
Me: “What…?”
“Well, it looks like a big scratch, but not a very good one because its a teeny weeny bit wiggly if you look really close. And my scratches are never wiggly like that.”
Me: “Oh. I know, it looks pretty weird, but it looks so much better than it used to, I think in the future we will hardly be able to see it”
“REALLY?!?! Well I don’t know it at the start because you had a big plaster on and wouldn’t let me see. remember?! Even though I showed you my wobbly tooth straight away”
Me:”Sorry. The doctor said I had to!”
“I think your doctor might not be very good. He made your tummy worse – now it has a big hole in and a weird scratch!”
Me: “No, he was making it better I feel…..right everyone left the room. good”

They make me laugh, blatant honesty is all you can expect and I love the fact that she still sees my illness as worse now than before because of my “wonky scratch”, what an innocent way to view it all, I love it!
Aside from that my recovery is continuing slowly, I am hoping to return to university next weekend – fingers crossed! I am so sick of being the ill kid and missing out on all the fun and everything involved with being there! I have missed all my exams and coursework deadlines – so have been busily filling out lots of paperwork, forms “evidence sheets” and the like to submit to my university so that they can grant me special considerations and then allow me to retake / re submit later in the year. FINGERS CROSSED. Well, not fingers crossed, if they decline it I have failed the semester and will be kicking up one hell of a fuss, since this is what I was told to do! Anyway, that rant is for another day 😉

I have been busy this morning ringing around the hospital and insurance companies, in an attempt to square everything out, because my organisational skills went downhill fast with the operation, I just had too much else on my mind! BLEUGH. I am having such bad sleep at the moment, I don’t manage to fall asleep until something crazy like 3am most days, even though I am in bed from about 11.30; too much on my mind I think .I am making list after list on my phone of things to do, and then slowly trying to work through them the next day…what an exciting life I lead!

Anyway, just thought my scar anecdote might bring a smile to a few of your faces. Apologies for the rest of the ramble! Just remember, as long as your smiling, you will be okay! Whether you have your own wonky scratch as a physical reminder of your disease or not; find something about the situation that will make you smile when things get tough, its the best medicine!

H x