A dark day indeed..


So I hope you haven’t clicked on here today for a cheery read or a smile, because there is none of that around here for me today.

I felt really ill yesterday – I have had a sore throat for about 2 weeks now, but it just hasn’t been getting better. And I have this cut by my ear (have I mentioned that? Getting deja-vu writing about it so maybe!) which just wont heal, infact it is getting worse. I have put all this down to my shitty immune system, but yesterday just took the biscuit. I was so tired, and I had such a headache-  I felt like my head was full of pain, I felt dizzy and couldn’t concentrate, and everything just felt heavy and painful, and to add to that bundle of fun the bottom of my back was really sore, almost like period pain I guess but in the wrong place? Anyway, went to bed early and almost definitely had a temperature, had a combination of the hot sweats and freezing shivering, which combined with my uncomfortable back meant I hardly slept at all, and spent the night feeling isolated, ill and more than a little sad.

Anyway, woke up this morning and felt no better- and since everyone at my dads was out, I went over to mums for some company (and sympathy!). I slept on and off most of the morning, then managed to eat a sandwich and then just slept again before trying to crack on with my work – the pressures of getting these essays done are really hitting me now 😦

I get back to dads and my younger siblings break down into the BIGGEST meltdown over minecraft (of all things) whilst my dad was on a work call next door, so  I had to deal with that – trust me, no fun. Then this proceeded into having an argument with my dad, who came out the kitchen having said “your stepmum said you had to go to mums today because you were too ill to unload the dishwasher for her, guess it must be suuuuuper serious. so what was even wrong this time”

Needless to say maybe I didn’t handle it as well as I should have, bursting into tears and refusing to talk to him. I constantly feel like I have to defend the fact that I am ill, to prove to people I am not just faking it to get out of chores, or work, or helping someone – do you really think I fucking like being this broken aged 22? DO you think I wouldn’t prefer to unload the dishwasher 100 times over than not be able to recover from a cold in a few days and instead be stuck inside this shitty body that doesn’t do what its supposed to? So, an all out argument ensued. And yes, I could have handled it better. And yes, he said sorry. But that doesn’t make it different or better. Nor does the fact that he said (and he isn’t the first one): “Just go to the doctors with these new symptoms” and “your ill more than most people, so sorry that I didn’t take it that seriously, its just, your always ill so its not such a big thing when you say your feeling bad”

Excuse me? So because I have a crohnic illness and am on a lifetime of drugs which play havoc with the natural order of my body it doesn’t matter when I get ill? REALLY?! because in my book it should be the other way around. If I got ill twice a week, it should still matter just as much. And I KNOW I am being over dramatic, semi-taking it the wrong way and also being unfair to my dad, but I am fed up of people doubting me, and changing what I feel and say to suit them. I am fed upof going to the doctors and everyone being like “huh your not that ill” or the doctor going “theres nothing I can do, your immune system will sort this” YEAH RIGHT.

I just feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t belong anywhere. My boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me, my parents are sick of me and to be honest I just feel like I am in the way wherever I go. I am bored of being sick and of not having a way to get better, I am bored of constantly being ill or worried about if its just a cold or something more. I am bored of having 14 days at the most to count down between injection times, and dreading that moment more than anyone else will ever know. I am bored of trying so hard to get into a career I want, but knowing its not going to happen so having to give up. I am just bored, and fed up. I need a helping hand I think, but I fear I have none left to use.

H x

 

 

Crohns is a bitch.


im done with all the nice talks and the motivational posts, they are not okay for today. 

Just finished university forever yesterday- happy days! Went out last night and woke up this morning with crohns pains live and kicking ; and for anybody reading who thinks I’m overreacting with a hangover you have quite clearly never experienced the discomfort and quite specific painful feeling to which I am now referring. I don’t know if this is linked to starting Humira, or if it is because of the stress of exams or what- all I do know is it is shit and so freaking unfair. 

My best friends birthday is tomorrow and our mutual French friend is over visiting so I made a massive effort to come home early to see her but felt so nauseous, shaky and fatigued that I didn’t even make the whole walk into town and have spent the afternoon alone and crying, in the bathroom and snuggled up and generally feeling more than a little sorry for myself. How am I meant to do the next two birthday nights? I got tired just walking upstairs to get a pillow. 

Life feels so so so unfair right now and I’m not okay with this. I have too much on and I can’t cope with it all. I can’t. It’s not fair. I want someone to help me. Do this with me. Apparently any writing ability I may once have possessed left me in my anger because this post is just a repetitive scrambled up mess – but then maybe that pretty accurately represents my life.
Could do with some serious hugs and TLC right now 
H x

Why am I so broken?


Sorry for the spam posting.

Just had lunch and within two minutes have quite bad chest pains breathing in and feel over whelmingly nauseous and tired; the kind of sickness feeling that actually hurts. I can’t take a deep breath in without pain.
I try not to swear in here but what the actual f**k. I just got the all clear,  why am I still hurting, why can’t I still cope.

Lying in bed in the dark feeling like I may throw up st any minute and trying not to cry too much because it hurts ny chest. But seriously,  why am I so broken. I hate not being able to do anything right and it’s beginning to feel like forever ago when I was last ablr to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without the consequences hitting me hard. How is it fair that my body is so shit at working,  how is it that it doesn’t do what I want, what did I do to break it this bad?  So damn fed up with it all and the fact that nobody seems to understand.

Rant over, sorry
H x