Going through my second divorce in 15 years…aged 22


And no, they weren’t my marriages. They were my mum and dads, and just now – as announced less than 48 hours ago, my dad and step mums. Well, this is for now just a “separation”, moving apart, with my half-siblings going to live in the next town along with their mum (my stepmum), but it is unlikely to end in a reconciliation.

This blog is everything person to me, I don’t hold back. But this isn’t just about me, it affects some of the people I love most in this world, and therefore it isn’t my place to be giving information online, and so I won’t. But I can’t lie and write posts without mentioning it.

It is affecting me, stress makes crohns worse and I foresee that happening.

It is making me an emotional crybaby, and I cant ignore that.

It is going to change the way I live my life for the next few months, and there is no getting around that.

And it could change the rest of my future, and my relationship with my siblings, and I am terrified of that.

 

 

Dad and my stepmum told my brother and I the other day, but we have had to keep it a secret until now when they are about to tell my younger half-siblings. And I am terrified. I feel physically sick, I have sweaty palms and I am shaking – and I have had to come hide in my room because I cant face seeing their innocent happy faces when I know how much their world is about to change. My brother and I said we would stay when they get told, to support them and show them we love them; I cant bear that this little family is going to change, that my brother and I have to go through this again, that my little siblings are going to have to endure the shit that comes with not having your parents together again, and it breaks my hard for my dad (and stepmum too) that this has happened. I love them all. I want them together under one roof, I cant deal with splitting my life and time between so many people in so many places and still feeling satisfied and as if I have a life of my own. I cant cope with the thought of coming to this house and those little smiley faces not being there to greet me. I cant cope with the thought that my youngest brother probably wont remember all these happy years together, and wont remember growing up like this; neither me or my brother remember our parents together.

And yet I still love them, I have had a brilliant childhood and I love both my parents and they could not have done a better job given the circumstances – and I have every faith that this time will be the same. But life seems unfair, and hard. But I am determined to make it as easy and fun and exciting for my siblings as I can. They need to know all the good things that can come out of it too. That their life is changing, not ending. I remember hearing this conversation the first time with my parents, and I must have been about 5. And yet it stuck with me, and I know that my sister at least will understand the implications. I just hope I am strong enough and brave enough to hold her hand and help her through the next few months, years, as well as keeping myself together

Life is tough, but family is important, even if it isn’t structured in a traditional way. As long as you have people that love you, that’s what counts. And I am going to try and remember that in the next few months of change.

H x

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder…


How weird, I have been posting here for about 6 months now – and I think these last two weeks are the longest time between posts, and I most definitely missed it! Here’s hoping its not going to become an addiction (maybe I could blog about that? the irony 😉 )

Anyway, the reason I haven’t posted is simply my lack of time-I am so fearful of just posting any old rubbish that I have refrained from posting anything until now, until I have time for a proper ramble! So, here goes..

The first week of blog-less-ness was due to nothing fun, a huge pile up of university work meant that my time was spent glued to this laptop with books beside me, attempting in vain to try to make a dent in what I have to do – something along the lines of a group project, a leaflet from a presentation write up, two essays, another group assemblage analysis, revision for two tests and trying to plan the title of my dissertation, ya know, not much…(!) I am slowly plodding through, but in truth it feels a little bit never ending, and I am flitting between them all to try to get some progress made, resulting in none being finished as of yet, which feels pretty shit. Regardless, I also went on a night out with some friends to the Shoreditch pub crawl, and spent some time playing tennis and the like with them as well – all of which was the perfect chance for a catch up and a gossip!

The second week the posting drought was more due to lack of reliable wifi, and again time…and a little bit of laziness (I know, forgive me!). I went away for a week with my dad, step mum, brother, little half brother and little half sister to Lyme Regis – it was loooooovely! My Grandma joined us for some of the time as well; so it was certainly a houseful! We were so lucky with the weather, it was so warm the whole time and meant that we spent a lot of it on the beach…paddling, crabbing, in the sand etc – the little ones couldn’t get enough. It was so nice, its the first time in so long I have spent a prolonged period of time with part of my family; because over my Christmas break I was in hospital and then when I had recovered my siblings were back at university / school, and even then I wasn’t fully myself. So, it was a lovely time to just do not much apart from enjoy their company (for most of the time!).

The only downside to this was my health – nothing on the scale of the hospital trips that I have experienced before; infact not even Crohns related, well not directly anyway. I got a really weird rash – little blobs all over my legs, stomach and back, which had no itch with them, no pain at all, I just noticed them getting dressed. I asked a pharmacist who said it was probably nothing, so I ignored it. A day or so later I got intense itching all up my legs, driving me nearly to the point of tears- it was so unforgiving! It didn’t stop me enjoying things when we were out- but the mornings and evenings were NOT fun! Anyway, we managed to get a doctors appointment who explained the rash was probably a physical sign of a virus that my body wasn’t fighting well (potentially linked to the Azathriparine I am on) and that the rash was probably just dry and itchy skin; so some cream later and I was feeling much better.

Anyway, just an update- I am including some pictures of the holiday (I know, I am very stingy with my pictures, maybe more on that another day) to show you the weather, the British Seaside did not let us down!

Hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing in the run up to easter – enjoy the chocolate!

H x

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Scars, Siblings and Smiling


My scar is looking brilliant, considering it is less than a month old! (see my older post: https://livingmylifewithcrohns.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/the-greatest-healing-therapy-is-friendship-and-love/ for a picture a few days ago) Although, to be fair I have never had an operation before, or even a proper scar, so I actually have very little idea about how it should be healing / looking like 3 and a half weeks in – but regardless I am very proud of my little body soldiering on through and fixing itself…well, it does owe me, its not like it normally works properly!

ANYWAYYY I am back home and am loving catching up on some missed family time, and enjoying the feeling of getting healthier and stronger again. My little siblings (a brother aged 2 and a sister aged 6…also a younger brother aged 18 but he isn’t really involved in this story 😉 ) LOVE looking at my scar, they find it hilarious. Most days when I get back into the house my youngest brother goes “me see your tummy tunnel, tummy tunnel!!!” which also involves squirming around and trying to pull my top up, no matter who else is in the room..awks. He loves it, he thinks its so weird, as soon as I show him he always looks shocked and goes “it very big” and then poddles off! My sister takes it one step further, this was our conversation yesterday:

“I want to see too if he gets to” Me : “Okay, look, its the same as yesterday.”
“Hmm…Its quite scratchy like isn’t it”
Me: “What…?”
“Well, it looks like a big scratch, but not a very good one because its a teeny weeny bit wiggly if you look really close. And my scratches are never wiggly like that.”
Me: “Oh. I know, it looks pretty weird, but it looks so much better than it used to, I think in the future we will hardly be able to see it”
“REALLY?!?! Well I don’t know it at the start because you had a big plaster on and wouldn’t let me see. remember?! Even though I showed you my wobbly tooth straight away”
Me:”Sorry. The doctor said I had to!”
“I think your doctor might not be very good. He made your tummy worse – now it has a big hole in and a weird scratch!”
Me: “No, he was making it better I feel…..right everyone left the room. good”

They make me laugh, blatant honesty is all you can expect and I love the fact that she still sees my illness as worse now than before because of my “wonky scratch”, what an innocent way to view it all, I love it!
Aside from that my recovery is continuing slowly, I am hoping to return to university next weekend – fingers crossed! I am so sick of being the ill kid and missing out on all the fun and everything involved with being there! I have missed all my exams and coursework deadlines – so have been busily filling out lots of paperwork, forms “evidence sheets” and the like to submit to my university so that they can grant me special considerations and then allow me to retake / re submit later in the year. FINGERS CROSSED. Well, not fingers crossed, if they decline it I have failed the semester and will be kicking up one hell of a fuss, since this is what I was told to do! Anyway, that rant is for another day 😉

I have been busy this morning ringing around the hospital and insurance companies, in an attempt to square everything out, because my organisational skills went downhill fast with the operation, I just had too much else on my mind! BLEUGH. I am having such bad sleep at the moment, I don’t manage to fall asleep until something crazy like 3am most days, even though I am in bed from about 11.30; too much on my mind I think .I am making list after list on my phone of things to do, and then slowly trying to work through them the next day…what an exciting life I lead!

Anyway, just thought my scar anecdote might bring a smile to a few of your faces. Apologies for the rest of the ramble! Just remember, as long as your smiling, you will be okay! Whether you have your own wonky scratch as a physical reminder of your disease or not; find something about the situation that will make you smile when things get tough, its the best medicine!

H x