I can’t believe how fast time has gone recently – and that it is nearly Christmas! HOW?!
I have been really busy recently, trying to make the most of my time at work, and maximising any potential opportunities I have left. At the end of January my maternity cover job ends (the one I love!) which has been two days per week for the last year. Trying not to get too emotional about it (and definitely not succeeding!) so struggling with the sadness that comes with leaving a great job and an even better team. This means that at the end of January I will only be working one day per week in a Volunteer Coordinator role (very cool) and then having a 0 hours contract in my other job, which is…difficult.
My other job has actually given me a lot of hours ( all weekend based, sigh) for January, so at least my pay check shouldn’t suffer TOO much…but I am definitely feeling the stress/ misery / heart break at having to start the job hunt again. ITS TOO SOON I feel like screaming! But, alas, it has to be. The job I am doing that is on 0 hours is frustrating – I like the role and am good at it, I just got given a kinda of promotion ( in title only) to be coordinating the volunteer team there too – meaning more responsibility, recruitment, creating and running training programs, trips, scheduling new training, bringing in new opportunities for current volunteers etc – so much opportunity and flexibility to bring in new initiatives and really revitalise and improve the existing program, and I am SO excited about it. But, they aren’t giving me enough hours to do the work. Leaving me with the dilemma of not doing enough or not doing it well enough, or having to do work unpaid from home. Neither of which is really an option. Its one of those awkward growing-pains type stages- if you get what I mean? I just feel a little in limbo. Almost settled, but also definitely not. Almost stable, but nowhere near. Almost ready to move out and be a grown up, but with no stability I am also not. Its hard. Hard to keep plodding on sometimes when you think you are going forward but then end up just as far back as before.
Something I am really struggling with at the moment is to not compare myself to others – either my peers, or my work colleagues, or just some randomer on the train. I feel like I am not doing well enough at work, or I should have a better job, or I should get better paid, or have a boyfriend, or be going on more dates, or have moved out, or be investing in a house, or be going out drinking more, or be hitting the gym and losing weight, or have better eyebrows or WHATEVER the situation is, I just am feeling a lot like I am not good enough. I have some incredible friends and family, and am really trying hard to absorb the mantra, and remind myself, that we aren’t all living in one path -there may be a beginning and an end for everyone, but (cliché as it sounds) the journey between the two really is a rollercoaster, with a million pit stops along the way, which are different for every person. I can even have the exact same goals as the person sat next to me, but I can reach them in my own time, following my own journey along the way. And even typing this makes me want to vomit in my mouth, it so cliché and over-motivational, but it is also true. I can write all this, and know it to be true, but that doesn’t mean I know how to implement that in my daily life. but, I am trying. And I will keep trying.
I want to get to the stage where I am just, happy with myself. With how I look, and how I act, how I am working, how I feel about myself, all of it. And I am sure that I will get there, I hope I will, but I sure as hell am not there yet.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and new year, if I don’t get around to posting between now and then (possible)