A step towards a brighter future? Day 12, 2017


Okay, I know I missed two days, and they weren’t even a weekend- but they have been a bit of a rollercoaster, and I haven’t had my laptop with me and didn’t think that I could do them justice typing them out on my ever failing phone.

Today I went to therapy for the first time in years, maybe even a decade. I went when I was younger, but decided that the stresses and strains of my life currently are just a little too much to handle. I was so so nervous to go, and worried because it is expensive too, but I think for now it is an investment in myself that I deserve, and need, for a while at least. It was so nice to just talk, and have someone listen and not feel guilty for burdening them with my thoughts and stresses and worries, and I genuinely came out feeling a weight had been lifted- not because of any major breakthrough, but just being able to rant and talk and not feel like I am causing someone else stress because of it. And actually, when I listed everything that has happened to me in the last 18 months / 2 years, it really is a lot. And I really have done well to keep plodding on this far, and its no BLOODY WONDER that I am struggling now, I am carrying around a whole lot that I never give myself credit for.

 

So, today is a day of self appreciation I guess. She said something that made my insides smile, that I was a survivor, that I have done so well to plough on through everything I have; and you know what? SHES BLOODY RIGHT. So, well done me. Congratulations me. Hooray for H! Finally, I can see when I say it all outloud at once that yes, I bloody have done well to keep it together and keep going, and I am totally entitled to  need a bit of space to  let that all out. Now, I am not trying to elude to some big giant “issue” that has occurred, if you follow this blog you probably know most of what I mean, lots of little things added together, but there is more going on that is just a little too personal to write here, ( I know, shocker). I would write more about what was said, but I know that a few people who actually know me in the real world (HELLO FRIENDS) may read this, and that’s something that I want to be kept a bit more private, for now at least. There is no big dilemma, just the fact that I wanted some advice on how to cope with a few things, and coping strategies for when I cant. And its also so nice to be able to talk, and have someone listen, and just, free up your thoughts. I came out, got home and bawled for a while, and am now feeling like a tired and tearful zombie – but only because I haven’t said all that outloud at once before, and because I feel exposed and confused and sad, but also so free and relieved and happy, so I am excited. Now I just have to find a way to fund it!

 

One thing that was interesting, and maybe I should do a whole post on this tomorrow (or soon) is the way that Crohns came up, as something which causes stress in my life. I never really acknowledge to myself how scary crohns is. Because I know how debilitating it can be, and what a huge effect it can have on my life and on everyone around me – and that it can come back at any time, any day, for any length of time – and that level of uncertainty is very hard to deal with. And I didn’t realise quite how much it still impacted me, until she asked me more about it today. Normally I gloss over it, “oh I’m in remission now”, or “yes but I am just nervous about the doctors appointment” (which FYI I am, 25th January here I come…) but also ,maybe it does impact me more than I ever thought. hmm. something to ponder. Think maybe this is something that needs to be explored further on this blog, but not today. Too drained!

 

Be happy, Keep smiling, and Keep going!

H x

one month ago today


I might do a longer post later, I’m not sure.

But, 20/12/2013 I had my operation, one month ago today. I cant believe it, seems so long ago, another lifetime that I was waiting in that hospital ward holding my mums hand and watching the minute on the clock tick by and waiting, waiting. I remember waking up in recovery. I remember being given my morphine button. I remember getting wheeled back to my room – we had to go in a lift and the bed bumped in and out of the lift doors. I remember seeing my mum for the first time. I remember asking if I got a stoma bag. I remember it. But it feels so long ago.

 

Im nostalgic about it in a weird way I guess, I feel like a big thing that was in my life is over, in terms of the operation. A huge step in my life has been taken, forwards I hope; and of course I am glad, but it is a weird feeling. I hope that, in a weird selfish way, my scar remains visible for a while longer (which I know it will) but because I get caught in this weird place – one where I am stuck between not wanting people to treat me differently and treat me ill, but also wanting them to know I am ill (or was ill – hopefully its mainly in the past) and accept that fact when I have a bad day and not just think I am moaning. With the hospital and the surgery and the scar I was no longer in that place, I was accepted as having been ill and weaker and needing to recover, and I am not trying to say I want that, or need it in my life; but it felt good to have proof and to not be constantly trying to justify how I felt when I was down. Its the weirdest feeling, and one I never thought I would have, or struggle so much in expressing. It seems an almost childish desire in a way; a need to be recognised and supported with sympathy when I need it, but not to be pandered to when I don’t… is that possible? I hope to find that balance.

 

Maybe I wont need another post later…I hope that those ramblings make some sense to some of you, I never feel like I write in an eloquent fashion compared to many bloggers out there, but my aim is more to get honest thoughts and feelings out onto this space, as opposed to well written ones with good sentence structure!

 

One month can change a lifetime.

 

H x