I think its back, and I am scared


I think, I have a gut feeling, that its back.

 I hope its not, I hope I am wrong, I hope I am being paranoid. All through this process whenever I was given options – for example “we are starting this medicine theres a 70% chance it will work, but if not we can up the dose” I needed the raised dose. “We probably can just do a scan, if not we can do a colonoscopy” I needed a colonscopy. “only as a last resort do people need an operation, its rare”…well guess who needed the op? I know. I know, its moaning and self -pitying to write like that, and for the first time in a long time I am sat here pouring out fears in a way that probably makes no sense; I am writing for the sake of spilling my feelings as opposed to trying to write a good post, necessarily. I am writing because I am scared and I need to blurt it out, not because I have an interesting thought I wanted to share.

 

My colonoscopy has been moved to Friday the 13th June… I know. Guess what that day is? it will mark exactly 6 months TO THE DAY that I ended up in an ambulance into A and E because of a crohns attack. I guess it must be fate? I hope that it is the neat end to a full circle, from a rapid deterioration to a recovery and confirmation of being all clear. I hope so. But I am worried its just a sign that I had my 6 months circle, lets begin again.

 

I am being selfish I know, it returning will not be the end of the world – worst things happen. I will get over it. I will. I just don’t want to have to get over it…I want to be able to be lazy in terms of not having to fight my body to function normally and eat what I want and do what I want. I want it to just work, to keep enjoying this freedom and happiness I have found since the operation. It wouldn’t be fair. But then, life isn’t fair….gulp..

 

Sorry, for the deterioration in post quality! Sorry for the rant, but thank you for being the outlet to the rant, it was needed

 

Hope your days are going better than mine

H x