Guess who is baaaack?!


I am SO sorry for being so absentee recently, the longest I havent blogged in a long while!

The reason for this? So. much. work.

I have just been insanely busy – and no better excuse than that. I got the results of my colonoscopy, all good there (yay) and have since been back to the hospital for a general check up and discussion. I found out then that I was able to stop my humira (hells yesssss) because there was no sign of active crohns in me at the time. I have since done more bloods, had a few days of feeling ill but a lot of days of being happy – and been through a HUGE amount of university stress – nobody said a masters would be this hard 😉

So, adios…Humira. I have hated every single injection we have had together, and each time got myself into a panic and distress and generally tears followed. However, you did your job. In just a year it got rid of the signs of active crohns, and , admittedly made me feel so much better. So, thank you – you have been a worthy foe! 😉

 

Today I went through to get my administrative things sorted to start a volunteering job at one of the big heritage locations in London – exciting! I hope to start there soon – meet new people, get new skills, and build up my CV. I also have a job interview on Wednesday, but for something completely different! We will see how that goes! I think I just need to get myself out there, keep pushing and enjoying life whilst I can.

Apart from that, my boyfriend is fine, as are all my family. I am slowly coming to terms with the secondary divorce / “seperation”, although there are oh so MANY things I hate about it, but I guess that is life. My boyfriend has moved up to London, and settled in well – and is honestly one of the biggest blessings in my life. I pray hard that our future stays as bright together 🙂

 

So, nothing much of interest I am afraid, apart from an apology about the delay in posting, and a promisee to be me more consistent, and interesting, in the future!

H x

I think its back, and I am scared


I think, I have a gut feeling, that its back.

 I hope its not, I hope I am wrong, I hope I am being paranoid. All through this process whenever I was given options – for example “we are starting this medicine theres a 70% chance it will work, but if not we can up the dose” I needed the raised dose. “We probably can just do a scan, if not we can do a colonoscopy” I needed a colonscopy. “only as a last resort do people need an operation, its rare”…well guess who needed the op? I know. I know, its moaning and self -pitying to write like that, and for the first time in a long time I am sat here pouring out fears in a way that probably makes no sense; I am writing for the sake of spilling my feelings as opposed to trying to write a good post, necessarily. I am writing because I am scared and I need to blurt it out, not because I have an interesting thought I wanted to share.

 

My colonoscopy has been moved to Friday the 13th June… I know. Guess what that day is? it will mark exactly 6 months TO THE DAY that I ended up in an ambulance into A and E because of a crohns attack. I guess it must be fate? I hope that it is the neat end to a full circle, from a rapid deterioration to a recovery and confirmation of being all clear. I hope so. But I am worried its just a sign that I had my 6 months circle, lets begin again.

 

I am being selfish I know, it returning will not be the end of the world – worst things happen. I will get over it. I will. I just don’t want to have to get over it…I want to be able to be lazy in terms of not having to fight my body to function normally and eat what I want and do what I want. I want it to just work, to keep enjoying this freedom and happiness I have found since the operation. It wouldn’t be fair. But then, life isn’t fair….gulp..

 

Sorry, for the deterioration in post quality! Sorry for the rant, but thank you for being the outlet to the rant, it was needed

 

Hope your days are going better than mine

H x

I think the hospitals miss me


So, its been 10 days since my last blood test and about Christmas since anything more intrusive / intensive than that has happened – but it was getting too good to last! Before you panic, Crohns has not returned (or at least not that I know of, yet) but my doctor yesterday asked me to go for another colonoscopy some time in the next 3 weeks, since it will soon be nearly 6 months since the operation – mad!

 

Anyway, of course I will be getting it done as per his recommendations (as long as the insurance company agree) and I will also get it done ASAP, since it will be a peace of mind to know if it has entirely gone and if not what has developed again so that it can be treated more aggressively from an earlier stage. Although, in my head I know it could be back and even if it IS back it does not mean that it will be as bad as last time…if I hear that is I think a little bit of me will be crushed. It would seem a little in vain to have all of that done and then to be clear for less than 6 months. But, we shall cross that bridge as and when we come to it I suppose!

 

H x