A dark day indeed..


So I hope you haven’t clicked on here today for a cheery read or a smile, because there is none of that around here for me today.

I felt really ill yesterday – I have had a sore throat for about 2 weeks now, but it just hasn’t been getting better. And I have this cut by my ear (have I mentioned that? Getting deja-vu writing about it so maybe!) which just wont heal, infact it is getting worse. I have put all this down to my shitty immune system, but yesterday just took the biscuit. I was so tired, and I had such a headache-  I felt like my head was full of pain, I felt dizzy and couldn’t concentrate, and everything just felt heavy and painful, and to add to that bundle of fun the bottom of my back was really sore, almost like period pain I guess but in the wrong place? Anyway, went to bed early and almost definitely had a temperature, had a combination of the hot sweats and freezing shivering, which combined with my uncomfortable back meant I hardly slept at all, and spent the night feeling isolated, ill and more than a little sad.

Anyway, woke up this morning and felt no better- and since everyone at my dads was out, I went over to mums for some company (and sympathy!). I slept on and off most of the morning, then managed to eat a sandwich and then just slept again before trying to crack on with my work – the pressures of getting these essays done are really hitting me now 😦

I get back to dads and my younger siblings break down into the BIGGEST meltdown over minecraft (of all things) whilst my dad was on a work call next door, so  I had to deal with that – trust me, no fun. Then this proceeded into having an argument with my dad, who came out the kitchen having said “your stepmum said you had to go to mums today because you were too ill to unload the dishwasher for her, guess it must be suuuuuper serious. so what was even wrong this time”

Needless to say maybe I didn’t handle it as well as I should have, bursting into tears and refusing to talk to him. I constantly feel like I have to defend the fact that I am ill, to prove to people I am not just faking it to get out of chores, or work, or helping someone – do you really think I fucking like being this broken aged 22? DO you think I wouldn’t prefer to unload the dishwasher 100 times over than not be able to recover from a cold in a few days and instead be stuck inside this shitty body that doesn’t do what its supposed to? So, an all out argument ensued. And yes, I could have handled it better. And yes, he said sorry. But that doesn’t make it different or better. Nor does the fact that he said (and he isn’t the first one): “Just go to the doctors with these new symptoms” and “your ill more than most people, so sorry that I didn’t take it that seriously, its just, your always ill so its not such a big thing when you say your feeling bad”

Excuse me? So because I have a crohnic illness and am on a lifetime of drugs which play havoc with the natural order of my body it doesn’t matter when I get ill? REALLY?! because in my book it should be the other way around. If I got ill twice a week, it should still matter just as much. And I KNOW I am being over dramatic, semi-taking it the wrong way and also being unfair to my dad, but I am fed up of people doubting me, and changing what I feel and say to suit them. I am fed upof going to the doctors and everyone being like “huh your not that ill” or the doctor going “theres nothing I can do, your immune system will sort this” YEAH RIGHT.

I just feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t belong anywhere. My boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me, my parents are sick of me and to be honest I just feel like I am in the way wherever I go. I am bored of being sick and of not having a way to get better, I am bored of constantly being ill or worried about if its just a cold or something more. I am bored of having 14 days at the most to count down between injection times, and dreading that moment more than anyone else will ever know. I am bored of trying so hard to get into a career I want, but knowing its not going to happen so having to give up. I am just bored, and fed up. I need a helping hand I think, but I fear I have none left to use.

H x

 

 

Now I know my ABC’s…


Now I know my ABC's...

So, along my lines of being more positive, this is the next happy post!

I have always LOVED taking pictures, and so today (having got very bored of sitting around doing nothing at home still in recovery from my operation) I decided to get on with doing something productive and a little more fun! I decided to start on my first photography project, and my brother joined in for some of the shots too. Then I uploaded them and edited a few version, one the original, one all black and white and one in coloured filters – the one I attached to this post. What do you all think?

I had had a falling out with my brother earlier – he had refused to drive me to the doctors to sign up for a repeat prescription when I still cant walk that far on my own; and it all descended badly. It was so frustrating, I hate the fact that I am not back to being independent. Then I ended up arguing with my mum about her having to get off work to come take me…the texting ended up something like this:

” I don’t want you to take me. forget it. I have done NOTHING wrong. It is not my fault that I need this medication. It is not my fault that I needed an operation and still cant drive or walk that far. It is not my fault my brother refuses to take me or help me when I need it. None of that is my fault, but its what I have and I cant help it. You have already helped me 50 million times over and I get that, but this is not. my. fault”

Yeah…so that happened. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but it was so frustrating – I hate the fact that Crohns put me in these situations, and puts others around me out because of it, but I just cant help it.

SO I decided to make a bad day into a good one, and take up the camera! And it worked, I had such a lovely time taking them and really am proud of them 🙂 And Editing them all took most of the afternoon, and it meant that I didn’t get so bored!

LOVE LOVE LOVE