One year, One week and One day. That is how a long I have been single for.
I have been finding it hard to blog recently, because I have so much going on in my life, some good and some bad, and finding a way to order it into a post is something I haven’t been good at. I feel the pressure of being interesting, and sharing information and yet I have no energy or time to write things I feel proud of. And then I realised, I don’t get paid for this, or represent anyone other than myself. This blog started as a SPLURGE, a place where I could mind-dump and say everything I needed to so somebody – to everyone and to nobody all at once, and maybe that’s what I need to remember, and not get so caught up on all the details. I am using this time to make myself a better, stronger person, and to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of myself.
So much is going on in my life, that I am just going to do some bullet points to get you up to date:
So, last I posted was about crohns was going to a doctors appointment which, surprise surprise, did not go well. My doctor didn’t have my results, as I feared, and was unable to get them for me. I was really angry and kicked off a little, although since I was feeling so ill already I feel like I let him push me aside too easily. I had blood tests done, and went home to rest. The day before I went on holiday they called me to say they had my camera results, and all was clear. Just before they hung up I asked them to check my blood results, which they should have done already, but if I hadn’t asked they would have been missed. Luckily I did ask, since it came back as massively too high on my inflammation levels in my body, which sent me into a panic about crohns, and caused the doctor to worry too. I had to go away, since my flight was the next day, and I rushed to get another blood test done that afternoon. Whilst I was away I was really paranoid, and that old feeling of being out of control crept back in, but luckily the second result was clear, so the flare was probably due to my sickness at the time. I need to book to get another blood test done now, and ensure that I keep them going more regularly, but to be honest, my life has been so busy I haven’t- which is no excuse at all!
My mum got married the week before last, and it was the most beautiful, lovely ceremony. We stayed in Wales for 2 nights with all our family, and the family of my now-stepdad, and it was honestly so much fun, full of laughter and love. My mum looked INCREDIBLE, and her dress was beautiful, and the entire weekend was just perfect. I loved getting to dress up, with all my hair and makeup done and a fantastic dress, and it was just a really brilliant happy time.
I have been working on myself a lot recently, post breakup, and on trying to make myself a more confident, stable person. I think that a lot of my issues stem from when I was younger, and having anxiety about instability, and change. I have been working on my attachments with others, and considering why I am the way I am, and how can I change this. One of the biggest issues I think I had with my ex, which I can see now, is that I relied on him too much. I lack confidence in myself, and have a very low self esteem (on the outside it may not seem this way, but inside, sometimes I really doubt myself) and this means I needed him to give me confidence and support me, which usually meant I was too clingy. The needier I was, the more he pulled away and needed space, but the minute he pulled away, I would feel rejected, unstable and insecure, worrying that he didn’t want me anymore, which clearly only fed into the cycle. This is oversimplified, obviously, but in essence I honestly felt like my life depended on him. That everything revolved around him, and around us, and the way I felt about myself and my self worth was really tied into what I thought his opinion of me was, and that is never a healthy place to be. It is easier to look back on and to see now, and it is something I am keeping in the forefront of my mind as I consider my future relationships, and how I move forward. I am not 100000% over him and everything that happened, but I don’t miss him like I used to, I have my own new life now, and he is not a part of it, nor should he be. I am very bad at holding onto the past, but I am getting better, and happier, and stronger.
For now, I am focussing on myself, on trusting myself, and making myself better, and honestly, I think I am a lot happier, and a much better person now, than I was 18 months ago. The relationship completely changed me, and so did he, and although a large portion of what happened was my fault, I need to learn to not place the entire burden of guilt on myself, and to recognise his flaws too; and that he wasn’t my knight in shining armour I once thought he was. Maybe more of a guy in tin foil; someone who is happy to try hard, but honestly just doesn’t, or didn’t, have it in him to be selfless enough to commit to a relationship. I guess that is a key reason why he wanted to go back to sleeping around. I look back to those last few days, and how I responded, and feel sick that I let myself get in those situations. When I begged and pleaded to be allowed to stay in his life in “any way that you think I will fit” and he would reply that he only wanted a girlfriend at that time “who would be like a dog. Would be around but out the way, and you could just take them out when you wanted them, and leave them at home to amuse themselves the rest”. To be fair to him, I guess that is why he ended it- nobody should think that. But the fact he voiced it to me, and that I let him think that little of me, is mental. I am a different, better, stronger person now, and so grateful for that.
Work is going great, I am doing two part time jobs that I LOVE, and although I am struggling to get the security of a full time contract, I am finding work so rewarding and exciting, and am proving to everyone around me (and myself!) that I genuinely am good at what I do. I have another interview next week, and a few more good applications in the pipeline, so I am feeling positive and excited for what the future holds in this aspect- I am confident that soon I can move out and move on with my life, all while knowing I held out for the perfect job situation in a field I genuinely love, and am good at working in. Yippee!
I am also absolutely loving our dog – it was her first birthday yesterday and of course I went all our and forced her to wear a tiny party hat, and attempted to make her a birthday cake. I say attempted because I was too impatient and it turned into a dog bowl full of “cake surprise” (ie mushed up dog cake and some new biscuits for decoration) but it made us all laugh! And she enjoyed it. I must admit, dog walks are becoming such a craving of mine. I live in a beautiful area, so it isn’t hard to be inspired to get out, but I honestly love it. Even walking alone, which I often do with her on my days off is great. I used to find it boring, and would never just go for a stroll on my own, but with her it doesn’t feel alone – there is company and someone to chat to and interact with, even if that is just hunting for a lost tennis ball together! Sometimes just getting outside into the open, and being reminded about how small I really am in the grand scheme of things, is exactly what I need.
I think the amount of change I have been through in the last year is insane. I am a completely different person. I was talking in my therapy session today (yes, I go to therapy. Yes, I don’t like people knowing for fear of judgement. But that is what this space is for, right? Side note- when I told a few old friends I was going [see my last post about cutting out a few friends who were mutual friends with my ex] they kept saying for every problem or disagreement we had “well maybe you should talk to your therapist about that. Well I don’t think that’s the right way to handle it, maybe ask your therapist” etc. Sorry, but I don’t need it a) thrown in my face in a negative way and b) being patronised as if I have giant issues and cant handle things alone. People can just disagree with you, doesn’t mean they have issues and need help. Side rant over, apologies) – and I just was reflecting. A year ago I could hardly get dressed, was crying everyday, reaching out madly to everyone I knew for help, and thought my life would never be the same. And now, now I am stronger. I have walked the path I thought would be my worst nightmare, and come out the other side. I have been put in situations by other people that I didn’t want, had decisions made on my behalf that have changed my life and how I saw my future, and I have bounced back. Okay slowly bounced/ rolled / dragged my heels back, but bitches, I am here. It can be done. It seems impossible. And some days I still cry for no reason other than I miss my ex. Or I am scared about being ill. Or I stubbed my tow. or whatever. But the tears end. And then you try again. PS I hate that I sound like a classic Instagram inspirer who says you can get through everything just love yourself, but I am just on a roll. So go with it.
I am sorry this has turned into such a rant, but honestly, it felt necessary. I also am going to try to stop apologising! If you think this post is too long then sorry, they normally aren’t; but also, it is full of things I needed to get off my chest, and this blog is about me and for me, so its okay for the odd long one. If you have managed to read to this far, then thank you! I hope that going forward we can read more of each others stories as part of this incredible online community. Although I write this blog for myself, to be able to reflect on and see change (which I can admit, there has been a lot of!) I do love to get notifications of new followers or interactions with people, so if you are out there- reach out and say hi!
ENJOY THE RAMBLINGS.