Hope you are all well. Or at least better than me…for now…since I am currently stuck at home with the flu (or something super similar). LAME. I am a little concerned about managing to fight this off, especially with my rubbish immune system (thanks, aza). I am due to go away the start of the second week of February, and really want to make sure that I am feeling better by then, because I know that normally I just drag things out, and continue to feel ill for longer period of time.
I am not really sure where this blog is going to go from now on, obviously I will continue to track my crohns journey, but I am not sure I can keep blogging about healing over my breakup, because its just so messy and complicated.
With regards to Crohns – I have a check up appointment on Wednesday, and hopefully that will be helpful, not only to be able to check in with the specialist but also to see if there was anything new spotted in the camera test – which I assume there wont be, or else they would have contacted me earlier. The hospitals have been so unreliable and badly organised recently, I am concerned that they aren’t going to have all my test results, or it wont be a helpful consultation, and in which case I am going to kick off a bit – this appointment should have been March last year but kept being postponed because nobody could get this one test organised, so if by now (the test was about 3 months ago) they haven’t got the results transferred, I will be so so frustrated! I think I an still in remission, I am not feeling great – a combination of stress, work stress and illness; which I think is all a bit much for my poor body, so am glad I have the day off today to rest and try and heal a bit more!
With regards to my break up – its been 9 months – how crazy! Enough time (theoretically) for my body to make and grow an entire functioning human being, but not enough for my heart and head to heal fully – how is that possible!? Life is better, and smoother, and less focussed on him and my out of control feelings around him, and now I can go days without thinking of him, and it just is such a smaller part of my life. A fleeting thought, a passing memory, but nothing as important as it once was, which in itself feels a small miracle. I have had a bad few days recently, thinking of him and being unrealistic, and I think the fever hasn’t been helping with the vivid, miserable dreams! But I think I need to just look back and acknowledge how far I have come – maybe its taken me longer than most, maybe I haven’t always handled things the right way, but I am moving forward, and that is the main thing. I have been on a few dates, but nothing major, and with nobody special – and I am feeling ready for a boyfriend again, for that intimacy and closenss, I just cant be bothered with dating! I just want to find a best friend first, and have something go from there- which I know is so rare, but it is what happened with him, and it was perfect. I am having to try really hard to keep on top of my brain, and keep quashing these stupid, harmful memories of him.
So I had a few issues with mutual friends of his, and that hasn’t really changed. I have tried a few times to build that friendship back up, but it isn’t happening. For now, I texted them both and just said that I love them, and want to go back to how we were, but that cant happen until I genuinely accept and am okay with their choice to remain such close friends with him, and honestly, I am not there yet. There is no point pretending, and trying to suppress the feelings because they will always be there silently in the corner, so the only thing to do is work through it, and once I am okay with it, the friendship can go back .Ultimately, to be honest I think they are closer with him now, than with me; because he would never have faced the issues I did, he was clearly over me the minute he ended that phone call to dump me- in fact I think he had been over me for a while before that, so for him, it was never a hardship. Whereas I needed to cut every possible aspect of contact with him out my life, because its the only way I could progress to where I am now, and hopefully keep it going. Regardless, I think I am dealing with it the most mature way I can, with everyone knowing where I stand and being honest; but to be honest I think those friendships are gone, hey are lost, and they cant be got back.
I have also made some new friends, and strengthened my friendship with lots of other people, and experienced things in lots of new places. Life is good, but hard, and funny and interesting but difficult and challenging and all these things. Finally, I am back to being able to see more of a balance. Long may it continue.